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It’s Saturday in Menopause Land

I finally slept about 5 hours. I haven’t slept more than an hour at a time each night due to the hot flashes. Yes, I’m irritable but I am not ranting around at other people. I just stay quiet and go through arguments in my mind on how annoyed I am at people and these hot flashes. I had some energy. The sun was beautiful and the temp was perfect for being outside, which is my favorite place to be. My husband was studying for a test. I ask him if he minds me mowing the grass. He said no. You may be thinking, why would I want to go mow the grass. I have a riding mower and just driving it around the yard is enjoyable. Once I finished, I continued outside watering my flowers. My husband comes outside and asks “what are you doing?”. I reply “I am watering my flowers and you complained that I needed to be more active so I am being active”. He stated that I should get my step son (his son) outside to help, that he’s just being lazy sitting on his butt on the computer. Now, I am thinking to myself, why didn’t you ask him to come outside and help then. But instead, I stated that I enjoy mowing the grass. I also stated to my husband that his son has had a bad attitude lately (because he did at breakfast before I came out to mow) and no one wants to be around him when he’s like that. My husband raised his voice and told me that I can’t run outside away from my step son to get my “zen”. I said I just mowed the grass…it needed mowing and watered my flowers because they needed watering. My thought process really didn’t go much further than that. My husband was just butt hurt that I commented on his son’s disrespectful attitude. He continued to complain while I was watering my flowers and even told me how I wasn’t watering them well. He finally went back inside. I remained silent soaking in every harmful word he spewed. Rewind to breakfast before I started mowing the grass. My grandson, granddaughter, step son, husband, and myself were eating a breakfast that I prepared. During breakfast, my step son started commenting in a bully manner on how my grandson used his fingers to eat his tater tots and had grease on his fingers. My husband then commented on it as well. My grandson, who is 12 just stopped eating and didn’t say anything. My step son continued to insult him by talking and laughing about how he eats with his fingers randomly. I spoke up and said “that’s enough”. When I did, my step son said “well you can call me out on my grades but I can’t call anyone out on what they do?” I said, “yes I can because I am your parent and you had a bad attitude when I called you out on your grades as well”. He got up, slammed his plate in the sink and went to his room and slammed the door. To rewind to the night before regarding the comment on his grades. My step son’s english teacher told me that she recommends summer school for him due to his failing grades in her class. He has several missing assignments. I mentioned it to him on the way home from school in the car and that set his mood for the rest of the day. An hour later, we were on our way to Disney for a Friday night dinner and fireworks. We do this often with my daughter and grandchildren. My daughter pays for my dinner and all of our annual passes including my step son’s pass and dinner. On the drive, he squeezed my 7 year old granddaughters hand and made her cry. She was sitting beside him in the car and he said she was too close to him. He is 16 and a strong male on the weight lifting team. I snapped at him and said “you can stop being in a bad mood, taking it on everyone else over your bad grade” then turned back around in my seat. From that point, he pulled a hoodie on his head and acted like a spoiled child with ear buds in ignoring everyone. He pinched my grandson during the fireworks to make him move over instead of simply asking him to scoot over and he wouldn’t talk the entire night except to mutter something about how he hated being at Disney. He complained about being forced to go with the family instead of staying home to play on his computer. Now, back to the watering of flowers, I never used the term “zen”. I am unsure how he came up with that except from his own opinion on what I was doing. I also wasn’t running away. I do however feel that my mental health is a good priority to have and if I did need a mental break from my step son then I should be free to create that within reason. Watering flowers is most definitely within reason in my opinion. My husband told me later that menopause is causing me to be distant, irritable, and do things like run away from his son. The fact is… I am finding my voice when I need to and should have a long time ago. I am reacting and voicing my feelings about how his words and actions make me feel. I told him that I walk around feeling as though my feelings are invalid and void. He ignored that and blamed me saying that on menopause too. I just kept silent.

My Brain, My Body

If you have even the slightest thought that you may be starting menopause, go to a doctor early. Perimenopause is real and about 6 million women are hitting it in America each year. If you do not seek treatment early, you may not ever be what you once were. 73% of women blame menopause for their divorce. LADIES, you are not alone!! You are still wanted! I was so afraid to even utter the words menopause for the thought of being not wanted anymore, that I was not a whole woman anymore. I went to my doctor yesterday and I told her what was wrong with me and instead of letting her diagnose me. I said I am in menopause, and I need help today. I have a hot flash every 30-60 minutes all day and all night long waking me up and interrupting my day. I am exhausted. I am not functioning. At first, she said that I should just use nighttime cough syrup to help me sleep. I promise you, I have no problems getting to sleep. I just keep getting woke up. When I have a hot flash, it is like my body is suddenly in an inferno and I can’t stand anything touching me. I have beads of water running down my back. It lasts about two minutes or so then I am freezing and cover back up. I fall asleep then it hits me again and I am awake again, being miserable. When my doctor told me that she had to do blood work to measure my estrogen and she can see me again in two weeks, I cried right there in her office. The thought of leaving without getting help that day had me so frustrated. Men do not understand menopause. My husband called it “the change” and referred to it as “transitioning”. I’m over here like “transitioning to what? Death?” I think the only way to truly explain it to where a man can understand it is to describe it like this: Put yourself on a thin board and have yourself inserte3d into a preheated oven until you can’t stand anything touching your body. Then SLOWLY pull you out and blow an AC directly onto your sweating body until your are chilling with bumps all over your wet body. Do this every 30 minutes. And on top of this, you have to still take care of the house chores, meals, laundry, children, a full time job, having someone tell you that you aren’t as active as you once were so you are gaining weight. Do this for 10-15 years and have your spouse tell you all about how you are going through “the change”. Yes, I am angry at him but it’s not because hormones are messing with my mental state but because there is no understanding and being judged unknowingly by your partner. I choose to take it out by journaling in blogs like this instead of going off on him. Each woman handles this differently.  Here I am at the start of an actual new career and in my first year at the age of 53 and I am hit with full on menopause that I am having difficulty dealing with and functioning. I keep thinking to myself that women should be able to retire for a few years when going through this and it be acceptable and offered. It’s that miserable. Not only is it difficult but it can cause life threatening issues. We need to talk about this. Let’s talk and be heard!

Are they just selfish or a Narcissist?

Understanding Narcissism: Traits of a True Narcissist vs. Simple Selfishness In a world that celebrates confidence and individualism, it’s easy to confuse selfishness with narcissism. However, the two are fundamentally different. Selfishness might be an occasional behavior, whereas narcissism is a deep-rooted personality trait that impacts how someone interacts with others and perceives the world. Here’s how to tell the difference and understand the core traits of a true narcissist. Characteristics of a True Narcissist A true narcissist often has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a diagnosable condition that goes far beyond occasional self-centeredness. Here are the hallmark traits: What About Selfishness? Being selfish is much more common and less severe. It typically involves putting one’s own needs above others in specific situations, but it doesn’t dominate a person’s entire worldview. Here’s how it differs: The Danger of Mislabeling It’s important to distinguish between narcissism and selfishness because labeling someone incorrectly can lead to misunderstandings or strained relationships. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a clinical diagnosis that requires professional evaluation, not just casual observation. If someone in your life exhibits concerning behavior, consider their overall patterns. Are they capable of empathy? Do they manipulate others for personal gain? Or are they simply experiencing a moment of selfishness? Understanding these nuances can help in approaching the situation with clarity. The Takeaway While selfishness is a normal (albeit undesirable) behavior that can be addressed and changed, narcissism is a more ingrained and complex issue. Recognizing the difference is crucial—not only for understanding others but also for protecting yourself in relationships that may be toxic. Selfish people can often grow with feedback and reflection, but a true narcissist requires deeper intervention and professional help. By knowing these distinctions, you can better navigate challenging personalities and maintain healthier boundaries.

Unearned Trust

Trust doesn’t come easily to me, and my step-son’s actions have added to that struggle. I’ve caught him using vapes over eight times, with the last two incidents involving a THC vape. Lately, his behavior has been peculiar. He rarely goes outside, yet recently, he stepped out, repeatedly checked the mailbox on a Sunday (when no mail is delivered), and walked down the road. Oddly, during his walk, a white SUV drove by slowly, turned around, and passed by again—this time with the window rolled down. I shared my concerns with his father, highlighting how unusual this all seemed. However, instead of acknowledging my perspective, he sided with his son. He accused me of imagining things and being overly emotional, even expressing worry about how I’d handle situations in his absence. I assured him that I was merely bringing my observations to his attention, not confronting his son about today’s strange behavior. Thoughts?

Tolerance

Tolerance seems to be at the heart of everything. You’re either tolerating someone’s actions or hoping they’re tolerating yours. Today feels like both. He seems stressed or perhaps just in a foul mood, so I’m doing my best to tolerate it, just as he’s tolerating the little things I do without completely losing his temper. Small remarks can really get under my skin—I’m a sensitive soul. But I’ve been learning to categorize comments, recognizing them for what they are: just words, not personal attacks. Slowly, I’m figuring out how to file them away and, more importantly, how to avoid dwelling on them. Life, in many ways, is a practice in tolerance. We each live in our own unique bubble—a bubble shaped by everything we’ve experienced, felt, and encountered from the moment we were born to the present day. Our individual bubbles are filled with the essence of who we are: our experiences, adventures, personalities, DNA, and the energy that fuels us. What fascinates me is how no two people share the same bubble. Just like fingerprints, laughter, and the way we think, every single person’s perspective and world are entirely distinct. Even though we may see the color red and call it “red,” the reality is far more intricate. Red isn’t simply red—it’s the interpretation of cells and pigmentation through signals processed by our brains. In essence, it’s all perception. Our lives, then, revolve around how we interpret the world and how we tolerate the interpretations of others. The words someone says and how we understand them might not align with what they intended—or even with how we think we’re supposed to interpret them. It’s important to recognize that our brains have an automatic response to things before we have time to rationalize them. So the next time something upsets you or causes harm, try allowing three minutes to pass. Those three minutes can be crucial for shifting from an instinctive reaction to a more rational and thoughtful response. It’s a small pause that can make all the difference in how you handle the world’s endless interpretations.

The Silent Struggle: Navigating Invalidated Feelings

The Silent Struggle: Navigating Invalidated Feelings in a Controlling Relationship Living with a controlling spouse can feel like walking on eggshells, constantly questioning your own emotions and decisions. One of the most insidious aspects of such a relationship is the invalidation of feelings—a subtle yet deeply impactful form of emotional neglect. When your feelings are dismissed or belittled, it creates a cycle of self-doubt. You start to wonder if your emotions are valid at all. Over time, this can erode your sense of self-worth and leave you feeling isolated, even in the presence of your partner. It can also lead to pent up anger and mindful static. It’s not just about the words they say; it’s about the tone, the body language, and the refusal to acknowledge your perspective. Imagine expressing frustration or sadness, only to be met with phrases like, “You’re overreacting,” or “Why do you always make everything about you?” These responses don’t just shut down the conversation—they shut down your ability to feel heard and understood. The result? Sleepless nights spent replaying arguments in your head, crafting the perfect defense for emotions that should never need defending. A controlling spouse often uses invalidation as a tool to maintain power in the relationship. By undermining your feelings, they keep the focus on their own needs and perspectives, leaving little room for compromise or mutual understanding. This dynamic can make you feel trapped, as though your voice doesn’t matter. But here’s the truth: your feelings are valid. They deserve to be acknowledged, respected, and understood. Recognizing this is the first step toward reclaiming your emotional space. It’s not easy, especially when you’re in the thick of a controlling relationship, but it’s crucial to start setting boundaries and advocating for yourself. If you’re navigating this struggle, know that you’re not alone. Many people face the challenge of invalidated feelings in their relationships, and there is support available. Whether it’s through therapy, trusted friends, or self-reflection, you can begin to rebuild your sense of self-worth and find ways to communicate your emotions effectively. Remember, your feelings are not a burden—they are a part of who you are. And no one has the right to take that away from you.

My Value

It’s been one of those frustrating days. As the evening grew colder, my husband offered to build a fire in the fireplace. However, his tone quickly shifted when he couldn’t find the lighter. “Where is the lighter?” he asked in an accusatory voice. I calmly explained that I hadn’t moved it from where I’d last placed it—on the fireplace. He countered by insisting I must have used it when I made a fire in my small firepit outside. I pointed out that I’d done that prior to his last visit and hadn’t touched the lighter since. To appease me, he asked the boys if they had seen it. Sure enough, his son retrieved it from his bedroom. Apparently, he’d been using it to light incense in his room—at least, that’s what he claimed. The fact that he hadn’t asked to borrow the lighter didn’t surprise me; he knew I’d say no because I don’t allow fires in the house. I couldn’t help but think about when he was 12 and started a fire in his father’s house upstairs in the bathroom. His history made me uneasy. I decided then and there that I wanted to keep the lighter in my bedroom from now on. I told my husband that I wasn’t comfortable having it within easy reach of his son. Although he’s 16 now and capable of getting lighters himself, I didn’t want to make it so readily available, especially with his track record. My husband disagreed, insisting the lighter should stay on the fireplace. I tried to explain my reasoning, but he cut me off, threw the lighter at me, and demanded to know why my opinion mattered more than his. When I tried to further clarify my concerns, he stopped me, irritated, and asked me why I was going on and on. Just another day in the life of being his wife.

Arguments in Your Mind

How many women lie awake at night, their minds replaying endless monologues of how a conversation with their partner could or should have gone? How often do we find ourselves caught in internal dialogues, rehearsing what to say to defend our actions or justify our thoughts? Over the past year, I’ve had countless sleepless nights consumed by these mental conversations—replaying how I want to express my feelings or defend them in just the right way. I’ve come to believe this stems from the constant invalidation of my emotions. When your feelings are dismissed time and time again, you end up validating them in your own head instead. Does this resonate with you? It feels like a coping mechanism, a way to restore a sense of self-worth in the face of being unheard.

Ode to the Hypocrites

Hypocrisy speaks volumes. That’s the best way I can describe the frustration that echoes in my mind and shakes me to my core. Allow me to set the scene. A father has a busy schedule for his only child. This child participates in an activity 5–6 days a week, lasting an hour each time. By the time he gets home—usually between 8:30 and 9 p.m.—he’s eating drive-through meals nearly every night because he refuses to eat beforehand. The father occasionally cooks, but only according to a strict weekly meal schedule that repeats the same dishes every week. Like many adolescent boys, the child became a bit chubby before hitting his growth spurt. Fast forward: the child moves in with his other parent and joins the high school football team. Practices run Monday through Friday for three hours a day, and the teen chooses to add an extra hour of working out with a friend each night. Home-cooked meals replace the fast food he previously ate for two years, and these meals include vegetables—though the boy refuses to eat them. Naturally, he starts losing weight. Between his intense physical activity, sweating off calories for 3–4 hours daily, and eating only one-third of his dinners (the meat), the weight loss isn’t surprising. For breakfast and lunch, he eats meals provided at school but skips the vegetables there, too. Now, the father begins lecturing the mother about how the boy is losing weight and accuses her of not feeding him properly. He lays endless blame on her for the weight loss, despite the clear changes in the boy’s activity levels and eating habits. It’s worth noting that the mother has two other younger children who are both at healthy weights and eat the same meals, including the vegetables. The teen, meanwhile, is provided with additional vitamins and protein powder to support muscle recovery. The father’s criticism goes as far as to nitpick the mother’s cooking. When she made spaghetti, meatballs, and breadsticks, he claimed the meal was incomplete because it didn’t include corn. (Never mind that corn is more of a filler than a nutrient-packed addition.) His explanation? Spaghetti isn’t a “proper” meal for a child unless it includes extra vegetables—despite the teen’s refusal to eat them. What’s my opinion on this scenario? It highlights the frustrating irony of misplaced blame and a lack of accountability. The father seems quick to criticize while overlooking his own past choices regarding fast food and limited meal variety. Meanwhile, the mother appears to be doing her best to provide balanced meals and supplements, given the circumstances. The tension here feels like a clash of perspectives rather than a genuine concern for the teen’s well-being. What do you think?